Starting again

It seems like the last two and a half weeks have been one continuous day, broken up by a nap here and there. I forgot how little you sleep when you have a newborn in the house. Ironically, I sleep less because of our three year old who longs to be in the room with mom, dad and baby sister. 

I also forgot how completely and totally a woman has to give her body up to have the baby, and then nurse the baby for at least 6 months, if not longer. I hate that my hormones have been all over the place as of lately and I still feel like I have little to no energy when I need it the most. I am handling the issues of weight much better this time around compared to when I had our first little babe, but I still long to be able to wear a dress that doesn't have to be appropriate for nursing. 

While I know that all sounds pretty selfish, and in some regard it is, I think that I am just at the point where I need one day to feel like I'm "me" again. One day where my boobs aren't leaking milk, where I can wake up at a normal hour and not feel like a zombie, and mostly have the freedom to decide to do something on a whim without worrying about a feeding schedule or carrying a bazillion things. 

Even though I am struggling with all of these thoughts and feelings, I really couldn't be happier. Our two girls bring me so much joy.  In moments when I feel any type of exhaustion or thoughts of needing to get out of the house for a little while, my girls make me laugh or do something so ridiculous I can't help but just smile. 

Now, if I could just convince my three year old that she too will miss all this sleep she insists on missing, I would feel like super mom! 

Being a mom has been the most challenging, difficult, rewarding, fulfilling and joyful thing that I have ever had the pleasure of being. I know that the late night feedings every 2 hours will pass and I will miss them, I know that the tantrums and outright defiance will change as they grow older. I know that each moment I feel like I am about to go crazy is outweighed a million times by the fact that I have two little girls who are utterly dependent on me to be their rock and encourager. 

It is a weighty and awesome responsibility and I wouldn't have my life any other way. 

I will get to feel like "me" again soon enough and will have all the little moments in between to help me get to that place.

I can't wait to see what baby E is going to be like as she grows older, I'm hoping she is a little more calm than her sister ever was. I need one child that looks before leaping. Ha ha!

More imporatnatly, I can't wait to see how they make me a better person. Because of them I am more patient, less tidy and more willing to dance in the rain. That part of me that takes things too seriously is constantly being challenged to enjoy every moment, the good and the bad. We only have one life to live, so why not make sure it is the best life we could ever hope for?!

xoxo

Jess